took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
