i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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