I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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