My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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