Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
