from now on my penis is your penis
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
