i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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