Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
