you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
