I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
