Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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