I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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