if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
