Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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