I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
