Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
