idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
