Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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