Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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