so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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