i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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