I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
