Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
