if you like me you must not know who I am
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
