Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize