she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
