Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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