The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
