It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
