Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
