if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
