Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
