Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
