my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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