How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
