Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
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but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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