I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
