you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
