i think my tv is drunk
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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