Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
