I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
