I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
