guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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