Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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