Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
