watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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