I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
