im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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