Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
