A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
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what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
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....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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