who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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