She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
