when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
