It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
