I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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