If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
