I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
